At this point in my life, the memory of you is a mere fleeting thought of something that once pained me so. I used to refer to you as a god, but now, I realize you are nothing more than a power vampire. You survive off of siphoning positive energy from good and trusting people. You cannot produce your own positive energy which is needed to live a happy life. By that logic, you needed me, or my kind, rather, not the other way around. And for that, I feel sorry for you.
Hello to my lawfully fallen angels! One of the three spiritual laws is The Law of Attraction, if you are positive, then you will attract positivity, and if you are negative, then you will attract negativity. Hence, you must be positive to live a fulfilling life. I felt that this particular post was the epitome of this Law. So, enjoy!
I step forth with my church shoes off.
The threshold’s edge is just within my reach.
A deep breath in until my core is fully inflated.
Holding it in as I envision the negativity yearning to escape.
I exhale to allow myself to feel.
One step –
Two steps –
Ten steps –
I begin to notice other people walking in the distance.
They don’t look up at me but I refuse to take it personally.
Eleven steps –
Twelve steps –
Twenty steps –
There are some sections of the ground that creak loudly.
I guess the whole way can’t be silent and smooth.
I accept that there may be creakier areas ahead.
Twenty-one steps –
Twenty-two steps –
Thirty steps –
I realize I can’t rush ahead without taking a break every so often.
I must look up from my feet and embrace the beauty that surrounds me.
Thirty-one steps –
Thirty-two steps –
Forty steps –
I bump into several people along the way.
Either, I move aside for them or they do so for me. I’ve done both by now.
Forty-one steps –
Forty-two steps –
Fifty steps –
I can’t help the others find their way nor they can’t aid me on this task.
I learn that we all have our crosses to bare.
It may seem lonely it doesn’t have to be.
… Ninety-eight steps –
Ninety-nine steps –
The center of the labyrinth is beneath my calm toes.
Centering is key and patience is it’s chariot.
My heart staggers as I swallow my pride for the journey backwards.
Sometimes people leave me halfway through the wood.
But I can’t let their absence grieve me.
No one leaves for good.
The only way to move forward is to trek to the beginning once more.
There are always details I tend to overlook…
Good morning to my blessed fallen angels! I finally got baptized today! It’s been long-awaited. (Aww! Look at me in my church clothes as opposed to my gothic garb.) I’m officially an Episcopalian now! I love my church family! I love God! People can disappoint me, betray me, neglect me, abuse me, avoid me, judge me, use me, and hurt me but I’m so happy to give myself up to The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit. I never have to worry about God doing any of those things to me that people have done time and time again. It’s all trials and tribulations. It’s expected to go through hardship in life in one way or another. I am definitely not an exception to that biblical rule. I have no regrets, no held grudges, and no hatred towards anyone or anything. Everything I have been through (“The Sufie Saga”) led me to this moment. My mother told me I made her depressed and that she should’ve aborted me, but I forgive her. The only man I have ever loved (so far…) broke my heart in ways I never thought was humanly possible, but I forgive him too. I’m so emotionally resilient. I have been abused physically, mentally, sexually, emotionally, and even spiritually (by a psychic Narcissist). However, I still manage to get out of bed in the morning, smile, laugh (sometimes manically), and uphold my daily responsibilities. Three weeks from now, I’m starting acolyte training to someday become a priest. I’m also in college to be a therapist for people with mental health problems. And I garner spiritual abilities of my own. Just yesterday, I was contemplating killing myself, but it’s amazing how God can save me just when I feel like giving up. I am going to help and heal a lot of people! I’m gonna make this world a better place than when I found it! On the other hand, I will still don the name, The One-Eyed Angel because this darkness infested with depression and rage will always be a part of me. It has helped me survive through the worst of times and helped me appreciate with ultimate gratitude the best of times. All emotions are temporary, both good and bad. I know I’m not gonna feel this happiness consistently for the rest of my life, but I accept that simply because I must accept that. Although I don’t have any close friends or family members who went to my baptism today, I have acknowledged already that my life is a lonely one so no surprises that no one outside my church family came today. I’m okay though. There must be some valid reason God didn’t place too many people in my life. Some can handle society while some can’t. To each his own. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.
Hello to my faithful fallen angels! Let’s climb aboard for another one of The One-Eyed Angel’s check-ins, shall we? There were a select group of friends I would text every single morning. I felt like I was doing all the work after a while. So I stopped texting them first to see if they would reach out to me and I ultimately lost touch with them.
Honestly I think I’m losing touch with my brother too. He seems apathetic since he broke up with his ex-fiance. He had a kid with her but it doesn’t seem like he cares. So I try not take it personally. But I was on the receiving end of a lover’s apathy. Hence it’s nearly impossible to not empathize with his ex-fiance and the daughter he left behind. He’s a good brother and a good person to me, but he’s not inclined to maintain a family dynamic. I get it though. I think I would have done the same thing, to be honest. She was far from perfect herself. It can go either way when it concerns me.
It just sucks how hurt people tend to hurt people. Most people want to unload their burden onto someone else. Just because I have my shit together, people assume I’m always okay. But I’m human too. Not many of my friends are people I could confide in if I need support. They’re always busy or they’re in the company of someone more important. I think people are naturally selfish honestly. It takes strength and compassion to care about someone other than yourself.
Aside from my psychological perplexity, my vessel is in need of repair. I have been taking pain killers every single day for years due to chronic neck and back problems. The diplopia isn’t quite a pleasant experience either. I hope there’s a solution to my physical anomalies. As of this point in my life, every problem has been solved or in the process of being solved. So my faith resides forevermore in God.
But I get a bit cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs when I skip meditation and other spiritual practices. A visit to the spirit realm always cures my crazies. If I stop laughing, I’d be crying. So I laugh, pop pain killers, and practice abstinence to stay alive. Ode to joy!
Hope always find its way in. I have obtained a friendship with a neighbor I honestly didn’t think I would establish any kind of relationship with. My brother shows me that he still has a heart from time to time. I have known one of my best friends for several years now and she’s someone who actually has an aptitude to acknowledge how and why I am the way I am. Yet no matter how much I divulge myself to you all, I will forever remain a mystery. On that beautiful note, I wish you all a wonderful day! Over and out.
Crawling blades of grass,
Bubbling suds cascading down,
Briny depths await below,
Man rolls luggage,
Wheels skip boastfully,
Schoolboy jolting towards the playground,
Eager to abscond the miasma,
From the reason he was animated,
To the denouement of my misery,
Belongings thrown posthaste,
Onto the adjacent side,
Machete poised and ready,
Sever the noose attached,
Unplug the silver cord that lost its spark,
Snatch oars in arms’ reach,
Row towards the new horizon,
Mistaken for vintage,
Implosion internal bleeding,
Water’s surface spread pastel,
Violet and indigo and cerulean,
Darkest before the dawn,
For water knows no drink,
Apollo peeks prior its peak,
Rubicund and saffron and topaz too,
Hope exists regardless of where you are
My favorite page on Facebook! Empath for Beginners is for newly realized Empaths who provide support, answers to questions, and encouragement to control our abilities. I learned so much from this group. I’m so glad there are good pages on Facebook that prevent me from making a general assumption that Facebook is bad. Lol. I love you all, my fallen angels! Love hard. Live fully. Laugh weirdly. Just be yourself. Keep an open mind for that is the best way people can truly connect to each other on a deep level. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.
Good morning to my expressive fallen angels! What do you have planned for this weekend? So today, I woke up recalling the times when I still lived with my mother. I remember sometimes she would get her hair done. Beautifully styled to compliment the women on the shows on TV Land we used to watch together. Why did this random memory resurface today? I notice that my first thought of the day usually composes of either my ex or my mother. The two people who hurt me the most are the two people I once loved the most. The pain has been nullified as the time goes by but pain demands to be felt. My mother hid her beauty under a hijab (a shawl muslim women wear to cover their scalps). My ex hid his heart within the abysmal darkness that made up his walls. I’m not like them. I take pleasure in that fact. I don’t repress anything. My heart and my masculine beauty may be hidden by most but not all. I am not a generalization. I understand that if most people can’t see the real me, then it’s because I don’t let them get to know me. This loneliness is eating me alive but I forgot how to live any other way. I’m an introvert. Apart from you, my fallen angels, only my therapist has access to my rantings. But who am I to you? Who are you to me? Does it really matter if no one can see it? I’m just a fabricated leviathan easily slain. I think very highly of myself but I’m only human. One fatal draw of fate can end my time in this world. My body is merely a vessel of biblical proportions. Then again, I’m relying on belief that this life is worth living. Nothing is proven. But to sum it all up, perhaps loneliness is one of the truest things there is and whether or not I let myself establish external connections with others makes no difference either way. Maybe I’m right or maybe it’s just another theory piled on infinite other postulates by other Philosophers. At least I know for myself where my salvation came from. I can only hope that you find yours too, if you haven’t done so already. Age is no correlation to when you’ll discover it. Time treats the soul differently. With that positive note, I wish you all a wonderful day! Over and out.
Poetry and Prose by #1 Amazon Bestselling Author of Nature Speaks of Love and Sorrow, Co-Author of #1 Amazon Bestseller, Wounds I Healed: The Poetry of Strong Women, and Jan/Feb 2022 Spillwords Press Author of the Month