No Regrets

Although a Taurus and an Aquarius are supposedly not compatible, we could have been great together as long as we both worked hard at it. But you wouldn’t let me love you. Your insecurities got in the way. I was in the wrong simply because some asshole from your past was the one who broke you. I would have been faithful, devoted, and loyal to you. I would have deleted all those apps and told all those guys to back off. I could have been your husband someday. But in life, you get what you give. How can you love me if you don’t love yourself? How can you recognize whenever I pour my heart out to you when your heart is so tightly closed in a bud? I am brave enough to be vulnerable. I am strong enough to cry. You think you’re the only one who has been hurt? The only one who’s broken? I don’t care how many times my heart breaks. I am ready to love again.

“Enough is Enough!”

There’s gonna be a time in your life (I sense that it’s gonna happen very soon) when you’re gonna put your foot down and say “enough is enough!” At this point, I would completely understand if you just get in your car and just drive away and never look back. I love you so much and seeing you suffer like this is not a laughing matter. I know humor is a way for you to deal with it, but it’s not healthy. Your feelings are valid. This is why I forgave dad years ago, because your well-being is so important and if you have to be a deadbeat dad to be free, then so be it. Life is too short for this shit. That bitch has you sleeping on the fucking floor, for God’s sake! I am so worried about you. You are strong, you are wise, you are smart, you are important. Get out of there! There must be resources out there to help you, take out a loan, find a place far away… something! Stop letting that ugly, evil, ass bitch ruin your life! Fuck child support! The same way we forgave dad, your daughter will forgive you too one day.

Freedom and its Predecessor

My name is Freddy and I would like to share my story so you can better understand how I envision recovery. Maybe someone out there can relate to me. Who knows?

I was pain. That’s all I was. Everything else, every chance given to me, every promise I’d made, all of it was pain. What use is pain? What use is being just pain? It’s not dignified. It’s not kind. And if it’s not dignified and it’s not kind, then maybe it’s not worth anything. Maybe it’s better off as nothing. Gone. Dead. Ashes. Rising. Breath. Rebirth. Freedom.

I try everyday to find my own, valid definition of the word “Freedom.” This is my journey, and just because it had a rough start and then got worse before it got somewhat better, it doesn’t mean the negativity has to be a be-and-end-all. I don’t have to define my life with “heartbreak” or “trauma.” The DSM-V suggests that I have Major Depressive Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Bipolar II (“the sequel”). The DSM-II would have mentioned “Depathologizing Homosexuality” in my case study if I was born prior to 1973. There’s no need for me to label it and generalize it based on a few instances in my life that were quite less than pleasant.

I’m not going to apologize to my mother because I failed to reach her perfect, cookie-cutter expectations. I’m not going to apologize to my ex-fiance because I was the only one out of the two of us that was even capable of love! I’m not a failure! I’m not a coward! Society tends to chastise men for expressing emotions because, supposedly, it’s perceived as weakness. But I am not weak! It takes a lot of strength and resilience to talk about memories I’ve repressed for so long. To face these memories that yearn to break the ice of every conversation I shared with anyone, just to receive any kind of sympathy. I am so much stronger now than ever before! I once was the scared, little boy cowering in the corner, fearing for my life. No more! I gaze into the filthy mirror in my bathroom, and I embrace the man I have become!

I lived in a halfway house at one point in my life. Sleeping in the next room over were registered sex offenders, gangsters, and drug addicts. The whole ambience of that place made me feel anxious and hopeless. One day, I sat on the window sill of my assigned room on the second floor. I looked down and after some consideration, I jumped and I broke two bones in my lower vertebrae, an act I pay for with chronic pain every day of my life. I recalled, afterwards, thinking “shit! I should have jumped off from the third story or even from the rooftop. Why only the second floor?! What a fucking wimp!”

My injuries are a constant reminder that life may not be for the faint of heart, but it is worth it. The near-fatal injury led me to physical therapy which then inspired me to get into yoga. It’s been three years since I began doing yoga. It took some getting used to, but now, I can do splits, backbends, cartwheels, and I can press my whole palms on the ground from a standing position without bending my knees. The chronic pain is still there, but it’s not as severe.

The fact that my suicide attempt eventually lead to my aptitude in flexibility and an entryway into a whole subculture where I’ve met so many great people and accomplished so much – is quite extraordinary.

My mother kicked me out on my 18th birthday because my lifestyle went against her religious beliefs. Homelessness was the best present I ever received. For so long, I thought I was going to hell simply because that’s what she told me every night. She was afraid that some boys at school would bash me one day because of who I am. It’s ironic that she was the worst part of my childhood. She tried so hard to make sure my life was planned safely and accordingly. The Muslim faith insisted that my fate would be tied to a girl I grew up with. Her parents befriended my parents long before. My 18th year was meant to be the year I would marry her. But that arranged marriage never happened the second my mother found out I was gay. It’s sad how a friendship between two kids would end so catastrophically simply because of such high expectations being placed on it.

For a long time, I blamed myself for all the pain I caused. I thought hell was my only home. After several years, the pain has finally ceased. I choose to believe that the destination of my afterlife is still undecided. I can believe in anything I want.

When I was 21, I came so close to marrying a Narcissist. I avoided a lot of emotional and psychological abuse when I called off the engagement. For a time, I was in such a rush to give my heart away to someone who didn’t deserve it. He would say that everything that went wrong was my fault. His word was law. Apologizing was not in his repertoire. A sense of grandiosity would placate his identity until apathy took its pound of flesh. Empaths and Narcissists don’t mix well at all. The Empathic-Narcissistic relationship is a silver cord wrapped between two souls, the Empath rendered immobile and helpless as they try relentlessly to ease the Narcissist’s pain that is hidden so well. Energy is siphoned from the Empath into the Narcissist willingly, at first, until the Empath is used up completely, squeezed dry like a sponge, wanting nothing more than the sweet, gentle release of death by only the Narcissist’s hand. At least that’s what I desired, what I felt I deserved. I thought I knew everything. But the wisest people can admit that they know nothing. Now I relish in this uncertainty. The only thing I knew for sure was that I had to leave him. I had to walk away from someone that I was still madly in love with.

I just wanted to die. I was in shock. It felt like he died. I wanted to join him, wherever he went, even if it was hell. If I had suddenly developed cancer during that time, I would have felt relieved. I grieved over him, even though all he did was break my heart and leave to find something else to do… someone else to do… his next victim. There were so many questions left unanswered, but maybe it was better off that way. Sometimes, I try to force myself to believe that he was just a figment of my imagination. But once in awhile, a family member of mine asks me about him. A part of me dies inside when I hear his name. It took me a little over two years to finally force myself to go back into the world of dating.

Today, I pay my own bills working at a job I don’t necessarily like, but appreciate. I go to college to pursue a career in Psychology. I don’t need anyone to tell me how to live my life. I’m doing just fine. It’s okay to not be okay sometimes. Yes, my life is a lot better than ever before, but there are still days when panic attacks and anxiety ensue. I enjoy the independence. Just me and my cat. Yes, sometimes, it gets lonely. Yet I refuse to sell myself short for someone who doesn’t deserve me. I’m not ever going to alter my morals and my beliefs just to be accepted. I will never pretend to be someone I’m not simply because I’m deemed socially deviant. I will be the loneliest man in the world if it meant that I can just be myself.

I was pain. That’s all I was. But now, I accept that it all happened in the past. The past happened. It happened! Why feel any regret or guilt on things I can’t change? Why should I let myself suffer when the source of the pain subsided long ago? I am safe. I am wise. I am loved.

The Language of Fear

There are so many endless possibilities, so much so that it feels pointless to pursue any path in life at all.

I garner a plethora of talents and yet I blame others for these talents not being recognized outside of my own spectrum of reality.

And I blame others, as well, for my inadequacies and for refusing to escape from my comfort zone by any means necessary.

What is there to do when you’re so used to following the same old script day-in-and-day-out all your life?

The same habits,

the same addictions,

the same mannerisms,

the same routine,

over and over again…

I am to blame for this misfortune but I’m not going to leave out my childhood either.

It seems to me like we all live this cruel existence consisting of emotional suffering in a constant recollection of one’s past.

It’s like we’re in a play where we just live in chronic turmoil while God observes from the sidelines.

Mankind seems to be a mere source of amusement for this higher being that we all perceive differently.

Within the darkness of doubt, I can hear Him whisper softly in the language of fear:

“Fallen victim to your crime

You used to pray for space

Drown in Me one more time

And mend your wicked ways”

Unscripted II (2 of 2)

(Transcribed from 5:59 to end)

For the longest,

I thought I was worthless

That I was nothing but an insignificant means for people to let out their frustrations on

A punching bag

An easy target

Because my kindness and my big heart is mistaken for weakness in this world

And we are socially conditioned to see it as weakness

And emotion

But it’s the fine arts that stretches the boundaries of that

Of everything

And that is who I am

Yes!

I will defy society whichever way I can

And I will be the loneliest man in the world if it meant that I can just be myself

And I lie here at three in the morning

After my guided meditation

After my trip to the spiritual realm

And I lay here in my bed

And I don’t see it as half the bed being filled

I see it as more space for me

More comfort for me

And the Law of Attraction,

I’ve been ignoring,

Like I said

But no more!

Because whatever I want and whatever I desire can be obtainable if I just change my mindset

It all starts there

And to be grateful for the things I want,

Even if I don’t have it right now

But that the things that I want are en route

That they are coming

If I can just imagine myself already in riches and in love again

Where I don’t have to worry about bills

And debt

Or loneliness

I will never feel alone again

And I don’t feel alone because I tell myself I am not alone

And I am not poor because I tell myself I’m not poor

there are people far off worse than me

And there are people better than me…

…in one aspect or another

I feel like we’re just in between two ultimate extremes

And I’m okay being average

Because I am the best at being myself

And I will find a way through this

Being completely honest with myself right now

I want you all to see this

To feel this

I hope to God that you’ll be understood

That I’ll be understood

That we can live in a world where we’re understood

No matter how vulgar

Or how obscene

Or how inappropriate

My feelings or how I convey my feelings and emotions

It’s who I am

And everything I say and do and think can be relatable to another human being

Anything a human can create,

Another can understand it

That way, I’m not alone

I tell myself I am not alone because I am not alone

I’m here with you all

On Earth

We’re all human

We’re all the same species

I am with you

And you are with me

With every breath I take

[deep breath]

 

Unscripted II (1 of 2)

(Transcribed until 5:58)

I just finished meditating

How I usually do

In the bath tub

Taking a nice, relaxing bath

And I light the candles

And I fill the bathtub with nice, clean bubbles

And I turn the lights off 

And all you can hear is the humming of the AC

Of the fan

And a slight meow from my cat

Wishing me luck on a brief yet cherished journey

An interlude cherished all the more for its brevity

And I lay in the warm water

This liquid gold that will exonerate me for my sins and my negative thoughts

For I have been neglecting the Law of Attraction for far too long now

And I play some guided meditation

And I allow myself to be led astray in a world that’s not my own,

But a world I strive to be a part of, even if it’s just for a moment

And I crave this world

I yearn for it everyday

I remind myself that I’ve been here before and I can return at any time

A place where technology doesn’t exist

And the rushing cascades of water down a waterfall

The feeling of the Sun on my skin

The sounds of chirping

The trees swaying in the wind,

Rooted to the ground yet dancing to the beat of life

And I allow myself to be taken into this world where all my worries and cares are acknowledged

But are easily swept away

Life’s most simplest indulgences I feel I’ve come to neglect

The little things in life that I’ve lost gratitude for such as my feline companion

Or state benefits

Or food in the fridge

The clothes in my closet

The AC that keeps me cool during the Summer

The heater that keeps me warm in the cold

And the beautiful – 

The beautiful world where I come to acknowledge and surrender myself to the beauty that I’ve come to just ignore

And to send my love to the people who’ve hurt me

And to give them my forgiveness

And to allow myself to grow because there are no mistakes,

There are no losing situations,

There are only opportunities

There are only learning – 

Learning opportunities

Where I can become a better person and become more well equipped 

To be the best version of myself

But sometimes I wonder why when I try to establish any human connection,

It seems to be distant

Or strained 

Or brief

Yet cherished

And appreciated

And adorned

For this nostalgia takes over me

And I clear my mind

And I allow myself to succumb to the whims of my past

Why am I left alone?

Why did everything I love and everyone I love just leave?