A Short Sabbatical

Hello to my living fallen angels! I got discharged from a psych ward for the millionth time the other day. I tried to commit suicide once again. I overdosed last week and I was sure that I would finally die this time around because I took a lot of pills and chased them down with some cough syrup. I’m very disappointed that I survived but I know there’s a small part of me that is glad I did. If I honestly 100% wanted to die, then I could jump in front of a train or jump off a certain 11-floor building… It turns out that I kinda wanna live. I was overdue for a vacation and my local psych ward was just the place to unwind and heal from the stressors that make up the majority of my existence. I made a lot of great friends at the hospital. It seems like the mental health system is where I make all my friends worth staying in touch with. I don’t have much in common with Normies (people who were never in the mental health system and are therefore deemed “normal”) so I tend not to establish friendships with them. I realize my light side is just as influential to my life as my dark side is. I have a lot going for me. I’m pursuing a career in Psychology through college. I work as a suicide hotline operator (ironic, isn’t it?) and that opens the door for joining Recovery University, where I can further indulge in my chosen field. I want to be a mental health psychologist. That way, I could still be in the ambience of the hospital without being a patient. Two distinct halves of me learned to balance in equilibrium. One being that “if I ever found out I had cancer, I honestly would feel relieved.” The other being that “we’re all human subjected to trials and tribulations and I can’t find it in me to hate or hold grudges against anyone.” Anyway, now I’m just trying to get back into the grooves and patterns of my everyday life again. I love you all, my fallen angels! We are doing the best we can! Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to like and comment on this post and I will do the same for you. Also, please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B012BSPFCQ/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1452971409&sr=1-1&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70&keywords=The+Pandemonium+Chronicles

Let’s Be Negative Again: Nothing To Lose

Hello to my fallen angels! I love The Hunger Games series! Johanna Mason reminds me a lot of myself. Cute but crazy. My favorite quote by her from The Hunger Games: Catching Fire=

Katniss, Peeta, Finnick, and Beetee stare bewildered at Johanna for flipping out in the arena where President Snow can see.

Johanna: spoken softly “What? He can’t hurt me. There’s no one left that I love.

This quote really spoke to me. I lost my family, the one man I truly loved, and I grew apart from all my friends. There’s no one else in this world that I love. I have nothing to lose. I’m a force to be reckoned with. I’ve been homeless before and I’ll endure it again if i ever have to once more. I’ve been abused psychologically, physically, spiritually, verbally, sexually, and emotionally. I’m well aware that things in my life can ALWAYS get worse. There’s an animalistic side of me that currently lies dormant within myself but I can shake it awake at any given time. I don’t fear death because I have been suicidal the majority of my life. I can’t wait to meet the Grim Reaper but I guess it’s not my time to go yet. Apparently, God wants me to suffer a bit more before I perish. This is the worst time for me. Any other time of the year, I could easily repress my agony and use coping skills to distract myself from it. However, the holiday season constantly throws the concept of family and togetherness into my fucking face. Some family members I hardly know came across my venting on Facebook and decided to reach out to me for a pity party tomorrow. Oh boy! I can just picture myself sitting uncomfortably and awkwardly as everyone else socializes and embraces each other. Then an attractive man will come up to me feigning interest in my subtle existence until I’ll realize he’s my cousin. At this point, I’ll fuck one of my sexy cousins. This loneliness got me contemplating many things including incest. Lol. It’s not like he’ll knock me up with a retarded baby. Whatever. Fuck everything and fuck everyone too! You all can shove your turkeys and presents up your asses! Lmao. Happy Holidays, my fallen angels! Over and out. 🙂

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

Let’s be negative!

Hello to my negative fallen angels! I’m gonna talk some real shit today because I genuinely don’t give a fuck and I need to vent. I can’t see my therapist this week because of stupid ass Thanksgiving. This is the time of the month my food stamps are gone and people make plans with me and then ditch me at the last minute. So when people ask me what I’m doing for Thanksgiving, I say starving and contemplating suicide. Lol. I hate the holiday season! More like Suicide Season! I’m the fucking love child of Mr. Scrooge and the Grinch. There’s always those dumbass Christmas specials on TV and annoying children getting spoiled and becoming worse and worse every year. I can’t do yoga or meditation as well as my empathic rituals barefooted at my local park because now it’s too cold outside. My ex-fiance’s birthday is in December too. And my crush keeps hanging me on a hook. I hate this shit! Ungrateful people smiling and laughing in each other’s company as if they give a fuck about each other. I have no faith nor expectations in other people anymore so when someone fails to comply, I am not disappointed. Loneliness is the realest thing there is and I must be content with the darkness that is mankind. My boss is fake too! Warmline ain’t shit! No one’s calling and she’s a condescending bitch! It’s a fake job led by a fake person. I bet she was one of those blonde cheerleaders who gossip and pour pig’s blood on dark beauty queens. The kind of girl in high school whose boyfriend I fucked last night. I’m trying to get a real job but I guess no one is really hiring. Lol. My brother is getting back with his bitch ass fiance so I’m not talking to him anytime soon. I hope the world ends soon though. It sucked when mankind continued to live past 2012. I mention 2012 a lot but seriously, I was SO FUCKING DISAPPOINTED THAT THE END OF THE WORLD NEVER HAPPENED! Humans don’t deserve to live. Whatever. I gotta wait it out, I guess. I have been working out three times a week but I’m still curvy as fuck. I really enjoyed doing drag last Wednesday though. I have pictures and wrote a draft for my post about my alter-drag ego, Seductress. However, the video for ComiQueens is still in the works of being edited. So once I gather pics and vids, I will post it immediately. And my church family is pretty cool. So maybe there are a few reasons to continue tolerating living amongst human beings as an alien attempting but failing to take over the world time and time again. No one in my life bothers reading my blog, but even if they did… oh wells! The infamous One-Eyed Angel resumes his existence in pursuit of a fabled salvation. Wish me luck and I will wish you luck too – as if that matters at all. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

#TBH

Hello to my reclusive fallen angels! It seems I’m always chastised for being the only one whose honest. I’m infatuated with him. I don’t know him that well yet to have legitimate feelings but I’m aware of a few things about him that aren’t bad at all. He’s caring, artistic, funny, smart, and he’s one of the most beautiful men I have ever known. He enjoys playing video games and he knows his way around cosmetics. The thing is that I was a DCF kid. My childhood composed of trauma and abuse which led me to growing so accustomed to The System that I never learned the social skills needed to interact with Normies (people who were never in The System and is sane enough to appear normal even if they’re not). I believe that I never fully adapted to the real world; I never successfully transitioned from a hospital ambience to the community setting. This theory would definitely explain why I’m so socially awkward. I have a habit of making people feel uncomfortable and actually taking pleasure in it. You see, in psych wards, talking about depression, suicide, rape, and the like were topics of conversation. We made humor out of it because they were the only things to define our lives. It’s why I have a very dark, warped sense of humor. I know it’s hard to take me seriously but I use humor as a coping/defense mechanism. If I stop laughing, I’ll fall apart. It’s why I feel all alone in the world. I know I talk about loneliness a lot but it’s my only reality. I don’t know how to allow my crush to take me seriously; that I’m not a joke and that I’m not only interested in sex. I didn’t think he was into me until I found out he volunteered to do my makeup for the drag show I spoke of in my post, Drama Infestation. I don’t know with him. He’s wishy-washy. I don’t want to put my hopes up too high but I can’t wait to see if our O’s will become X’s soon. I’m not afraid to be honest. Maybe at least one of my fallen angels will read this and muster up the courage to be honest too. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

Notes scribbled in haste

All my clothes were folded and already in my dresser,
All the food I needed was already in the fridge,
All the elements that made up nature I was sheltered from,
A note scribbled in haste said:
“Leftover lasagna is in the oven,
Just heat it up 400 degrees for ten minutes.
Love, Mom ♡”
I smiled with delight as I jolted to the empty kitchen,
The next day I awoke to another note taped onto the inside of my bedroom door:
“Sorry but I had to visit your grandpa at the hospital. Leftover pasta is on the stove.
Love, Mom”
So I shrug my shoulders without a care in the world and devoured the whole pot of spaghetti,
One day I came home from school with a love note in my hand,
“I really care about you and I want you to meet me at the creek at dusk.
XOXO Joshua”
I left the note on my nightstand before preparing a picnic basket full of greasy food,
We shared a romantic evening alone together near the cemetery,
I came back home late that night,
To my mother sitting on the couch under the gloom of the lamp’s light,
I walked up to her completely ambivalent,
She didn’t utter a word until she held out the love note from Joshua,
“First my father dies now my son is dead to me,”
This blow to my heart was worse than a gay bashing,
I cried myself to sleep until sunlight spilled on my skin once more,
A note was left beside my pillow and I hoped last night was just a nightmare,
“Pack everything you need and get out because you can’t live here anymore,”
The tears resumed to stain my face in clear, salty truth,
I filled my backpack with all my antidepressants, birth certificate, social security card, but there was no room for food,
Ten dollars was all there was to my name before I pigged out at a Burger King,
Homeless and poor at a moment’s notice,
I decided to admit myself to the hospital claiming I was suicidal,
I wasn’t lying,
The psych ward was a new experience and I stayed in my room for four days straight,
A letter was given to me on the fifth day:
“Everyone at school thinks you’re crazy. We all heard that you’re at the loony bin. Lose my number, you freak.
Sincerely, Joshua”
He must have really researched this psych ward eager to break my heart,
Somehow I mustered the courage to join the other patients in the day room,
They glanced up at me from what they were doing and saw I was nothing special,
I overheard elaborate ways to hurt oneself new ideas to bring my pain to the physical world,
Cutting or eraser burns or overdosing,
I pretended I was healed from a permanent mental illness,
The staff discharged me to live with my grandma for she was lonely too,
I moved in but it wasn’t too hard for I didn’t have much,
My grandmother didn’t speak a lick of English,
And Spanish wasn’t my strong suit either,
My first night was silence,
There were no clothes folded in my mother’s childhood dresser,
There was no food in the fridge I could eat just meals on wheels,
The windows were broken off its hinges so the snow got in,
My grandma wrote a note on my makeshift door the following morning:
” Usted puede sentirse desesperada ahora, pero todo es posible . Entre el mal , el miedo , la soledad , el hambre, y toda la oscuridad era la esperanza. Un pequeño faro de luz que dejar de lado todo lo hecho y dejado de hacer . Te amo con todo mi corazón.”
I couldn’t even begin to understand what these words meant,
It didn’t matter nothing mattered anymore,
I poured all the antidepressant medications on my twin sized bed and grabbed handful after handful into my mouth,
I imagined that I would just fall asleep and never wake up again,
So I wrote a note for the first time and laid it beside my potential cadaver:
“The life of an intellectual is a lonely one. My soul contract has been revoked.”
I have died so many times,
Yet I’m still alive.

Grandma’s translation:
You may feel hopeless now , but anything is possible . Between evil , fear , loneliness , hunger, and all the darkness was hope. A small beacon of light to let go of everything done and left undone. I love you with all my heart.

image

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

Kamikaze Burlesque

Oh the humor enacted!
Such frivolous attempts to destroy your ego,
Heart bleeding tears and unkempt benevolence,
Ranting on and on to everyone else,
As if a magic spell to ward off longing and unreciprocation exists,

Hilarious to take pleasure in my turmoil!
So fun to look down on me like the epitome of shit beneath your shoes!
Oh I love when you underestimate my limitations!
So brilliant and all-knowing you must be!

You say I’m pitiful but you don’t know the half of it!
So happy I could die but maybe you can save my life,
Ha! I won’t hold my breath yet I still believe in you!
Laugh out loud so I know you still have a soul,
It turns me on when you’re not there when I need you most,

I feel high all the time sobriety has that effect to me,
The only times we got along were when you were inside me,
How flirtatious and half-alive you make me feel like a harlot!
I can’t stop laughing at how cruel and barbaric you are!
Facetious condescension is so sexy!

What a great guy to squander on my innocence,
First love occurs although you’re incapable of such beautiful things,
Rolling on the floor laughing in fetal position,
Until no one in the world wants to be around,
This depression numbs my intuition,

One by one you picked off everyone in my life til no one else was left,
Dependent burden was all I was to you,
I admire just how chivalrous you are truly the best I ever had!
In order to please you I abandoned myself,

Handsome facade they said the devil would seduce me,
This penetration got me breaking out in hives!
I don’t need to be on top to show I’m strong enough to giggle,
Wiggle wiggle jiggle jiggle!
Man the rhythm of the hit-it-and-quit-it is intoxicating!

I enjoy thinking about you making love to other men maybe women!
That question about your possible bisexuality was left unanswered,
You left me in the dark since the day we met,
It sure does give my diplopia a rest!
I miss screaming with delight inside your hairy pillow!

I’m glad I’m not a woman or else I’d be carrying the devil’s spawn!
That’s so awesome when men plant their seed and just walk away!
No wonder gay people are so envied!
Non-crooked people rejoice because it’s all the same!

Regardless of whose performing the fellatio,
Let’s experience a joyous occasion!
I only see your face in my dreams all your photos were burned,
While I danced around the flames and chanted a curse to deny all sanity,

Suicide mission if I can’t have you nobody can!
Laughing my ass off til you cum back inside,
I hack your life and all your secrets you kept purposely from me,
I have fun inflicting pain on you too!
Kamikaze killing myself while exploiting you!

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! 🙂

Help is not the same without family

Hola! What adventures will you embark on today? Anyway, lately I have been getting the feeling that nobody genuinely cares about me. Boo hoo! Lol But in all seriousness,  I have been in the system since I was 14 years old. No, I’ve never been arrested. 14 was the year I first tried to commit suicide. Since then til last year, I was in psych wards, state hospitals, alternative schools, group homes, residential, and transitional homes. I had my fair share of therapy and psych medicine. Although I have come a long way in my road to recovery, this gnawing feeling of inhospitable loneliness clings onto me everyday. I never had a stable home or anyone I really considered family. I had a lot of services throughout the years though. Don’t get me wrong! I’m very grateful for my therapist and additional services I receive from DMHAS but I doubt it’s the same as having a family. I watch a lot of tv and I see these shows like Modern Family or The Middle. Family seems like a burden and they may be annoying as all hell but at the end of the day, they have each other’s backs. Besides one day of the week, my therapist is off the clock. I had the same therapist for years but I doubt she considers me family. She has a family and life of her own and I’m simply just a client. I accept that for what it is. What does it feel like to be a part of a family?  The idea of family repulses me to no end yet maybe that’s because I find it to be co-dependent and weak. At the end of the day, I know if I fail to pay my bills, I will homeless again. If I get arrested, no one will bother to bail me out. If I run out of food, no one will give me any. That’s life. At least that’s my life. Family would sure help but I’m so independent and a lone wolf simply doesn’t have the luxury of dependency. Sure my therapist or my job coach could help me if I needed a bus pass or a laundry card but that’s not like family. There’s a procedure and paperwork that has to be done in order to keep me serviced. It’s not out of the kindness of their hearts. They get paid to help me. I’m grateful but I have yet to know what’s it’s like to be cared for. It seems the only way to have a family is to marry into one. I would have to allow myself to fall in love and share my life with someone else. That’s frightening. My brother has no sense of family either. He married into a family but by observation, he will never officially be an addition to his wife’s family entirely. They don’t go out of their way for him. They do a halfass job just to make him think he’s any importance to their family. It’s sad but my brother would rather tolerate that than face the fact that I am the only family he has left. That he is just as alone as I am. I, myself, can’t live in denial like he can. But to each his own, I guess. In retrospect, maybe marrying into a family isn’t a secure option either. I’m contempt with being alone. I have my services, my confidant, very few friends, and my coping skills. I must continue to live regardless of the cards I was dealt. Have a wonderful day, my fallen angels! Over and out.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! 🙂

What has this world come to?!

Watch “The Truth About Robin Williams Suicide” on YouTube

Good morning. I guess I woke up on the wrong side of the bed or maybe I am starting to unlock all the feelings of depression and loneliness I have repressed within myself for so long. I understand why Robin Williams killed himself. He was very wise and troubled but no one took him seriously. His life and his death, his legacy, was a symbol for our country and the whole world. We all may think we have people in our lives that genuinely care about us but most people don’t give a fuck. We are losing our humanity. We care less about nature and each other and more about the media and material things. Robin Williams suffered with depression and near his final time alive, he turned to  drugs and seclusion. I can relate to him or at least relate to what I  know about him. I suffer with depression but I survived countless endeavors and always scurried my way out. I adapt and I try to move forward. People come to me for advice or a shoulder to cry on or to hear a joke that will make their day. But I can’t think of anyone who would do that for me or are even capable of comforting a true fallen angel. I am strong and I laugh and smile quite often but most days, i don’t even wanna get out of bed. I just wanna hide from the rest of the world. Grieving for the limitless people who came and went from my life, never able to stay. I have a Facebook account and youtube and many other ones but none of that fools me to thinking anyone is truly there for me. Other people may succumb to the illusion that they have many friends due to social media. Maybe because it’s a way to cope for the loss of our humanity. I am so depressed. And yet I try the best I can to continue working on myself physically, mentally, spiritually, and psychologically. I work out regularly and I try to be positive in a negative world as if opposites really do attract. I go to church and pray and compensate for my life by going through the process of an adult baptism. I go to therapy to vent and try to rid myself of mental illness. I think everyone needs therapy. It’s time to stop running towards the status quo and towards reality, no matter how obscure or diminished our views on life may be. I feel like no one in my daily life can even begin to fathom what it’s like to go through this. Maybe we all go through it. I don’t know because no one ever wants to talk about the “negative” things. Same thing with Robin Williams. He was so funny and sweet. That was what everyone else saw. But based on my life experience, I can only imagine the reasons why he decided not to confide in anyone or to break the ice of an otherwise silly comedic persona. He knew no one cared to dig deeper than the mask. To be honest, this world is dangerous and terrifying at times. We are doing the best we can. To care about anyone else but ourselves is a burden. We are fighting our own battles. Frankly, I can barely help myself most days. I don’t know the solution to revive our humanity or even pinpoint when we lost it. But I do know it takes all my being to not give up and commit the same act that Robin Williams did. He was a beautiful person who was misunderstood. I may not know all there is needed to know about him but I can sympathize with the idea of him and his tragic demise. People think I’m a joke and usually don’t take me seriously. But why would they? I make them think that subconsciously because just like Robin Williams, I don’t believe anyone can begin to acknowledge this concept that I speak so fondly of. I believe I have lost my mind years ago. I don’t remember when exactly but I’m living my life on auto-pilot. I have faith that I play a huge factor in saving this lost world we live in. The unfortune and the tragedy will never cease, but the hope and love in the world will forever oppose the evil. That felt good to vent. A series of coping skills distracting me from the inevitable suicidal ideation. Don’t worry. (You won’t anyway) I will be okay. I have been through worse. I’ll just adapt and survive like I always do. Have a wonderful day, my magnificent fallen angels! Over and out.