#TBH

Hello to my reclusive fallen angels! It seems I’m always chastised for being the only one whose honest. I’m infatuated with him. I don’t know him that well yet to have legitimate feelings but I’m aware of a few things about him that aren’t bad at all. He’s caring, artistic, funny, smart, and he’s one of the most beautiful men I have ever known. He enjoys playing video games and he knows his way around cosmetics. The thing is that I was a DCF kid. My childhood composed of trauma and abuse which led me to growing so accustomed to The System that I never learned the social skills needed to interact with Normies (people who were never in The System and is sane enough to appear normal even if they’re not). I believe that I never fully adapted to the real world; I never successfully transitioned from a hospital ambience to the community setting. This theory would definitely explain why I’m so socially awkward. I have a habit of making people feel uncomfortable and actually taking pleasure in it. You see, in psych wards, talking about depression, suicide, rape, and the like were topics of conversation. We made humor out of it because they were the only things to define our lives. It’s why I have a very dark, warped sense of humor. I know it’s hard to take me seriously but I use humor as a coping/defense mechanism. If I stop laughing, I’ll fall apart. It’s why I feel all alone in the world. I know I talk about loneliness a lot but it’s my only reality. I don’t know how to allow my crush to take me seriously; that I’m not a joke and that I’m not only interested in sex. I didn’t think he was into me until I found out he volunteered to do my makeup for the drag show I spoke of in my post, Drama Infestation. I don’t know with him. He’s wishy-washy. I don’t want to put my hopes up too high but I can’t wait to see if our O’s will become X’s soon. I’m not afraid to be honest. Maybe at least one of my fallen angels will read this and muster up the courage to be honest too. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

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PSYCHOSIS

Good afternoon to my psychotic fallen angels! It took only so much turmoil to finally surrender my sanity. As a child, I cared a lot about how my classmates and how my family members perceived me. None of them are in my life now. I’m starting to form a theory that depression, loneliness, selfishness, paranoia, and fear are default emotions while any positivity only comes around when you really, really try to find it. Or perhaps this theory is biased because it stems from purely my own life experience. Who the hell knows? I like to consider myself a philosopher (an existentialist and an extreme neutralist). In other words, I believe that “human nature” is a myth and that I can do anything I want as long as I don’t break the law. I fall into many other categories that tie into the fabled “human nature” but one category that seems to be one of the new minority focusses in America is stigma pertaining to mental health. I lost track of how many mental health problems I have. The system was the only family I was fond of as an adolescent. Psych wards, state hospitals, residentials, group homes, you name it, I’ve been there. At least I never have to worry about getting drafted for the military. Psychosis is one of the diagnosis I garner. It is a severe mental disorder in which thought and emotions are so impaired that contact is lost with external reality. Oh wells! I know people say I shouldn’t let my mental health problems define who I am, but I don’t mind. I enjoy it. I’m not joking nor being sarcastic. I really love my mental health problems. I would just be another boring person in this world’s contradictory existence. They give me character and depth and uniqueness to the essence of who I am. Embrace your fears. Become your fears. I used to be so ashamed of myself. Look at me now. And did you know Batman was actually afraid of bats? He embraced the bat. He became the bat. Think about that next time you host a pity party that no one will RSVP to. There’s only one you. Learn to enjoy your own company. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading ๐Ÿ™‚

Boy Toy

The rapist led me to my therapist,
He said I’m beyond repair,
For me to take these pills,
Sedate the roots of my despair,

Men will be the death of me,
He said I’m incomplete,
For me to sabotage myself,
Abandon flout sanity,

Prior trauma soaked ’til soggy,
He said I’m better off,
For me to disown hope,
And leave my life to chance aloft,

Even benign recollection,
He said that love dies,
For me to toss my halo,
Downgrade to a carnival prize,

Negligence is winning the lottery,
He said it beats abuse,
For me to undeceive,
Mediocre sex ties my noose,

Patriarchy exists no more,
He likes to walk away,
For me to learn my lesson,
Mourning to morning night to day,

Married guys their spouse a nuisance,
He wants a change of pace,
For me his younger model,
Now he wants to redeem his space,

I’m just someone men take frustration on,
He said it’s our little secret,
For me to keep it shut,
And leave it open when he needs it

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading ๐Ÿ™‚

MORE notes scribbled in haste

Part two of Notes scribbled in haste

My assigned therapist at the ER said I’m beyond repair,
To take these pills to null the pain of my problematic mind,
The seizure’s effects wore off afterย I gave up fighting off nurses,
I was afraid of needles at the time and an IV fell into that category,
So a note was written in the shrink’s notepad,
“Psych Evaluation diagnosis: patient must be admitted to the hospital for psychiatric treatment until further notice.”
I just left the week before and now I have to go right back to the psych ward,
When they brought me in on the stretcher to the day room,
The other patients looked up for a moment before they realized I wasn’t anything special,
But it was different this time around,
I wasn’t afraid enough to cower in my room anymore,
I stepped off the platform and sat right down next to the others,
A note was scribbled in haste on the whiteboard:
“Name: Sufian, Gender: Male,
room #: 23, Assigned therapist: Laura.”
So I guess it wasn’t total indiscretion,
Confidentiality prevented the staff members from writing more on the board,
Like why I was admitted this time,
Seizure due to drug overdose,
Failed suicide attempt chickened out at the last moment,
I was just gonna try again once I was released but where was I gonna live?
I scared my grandma half to death,
I remember pulling the emergency cord when I lost complete control of my body’s movement,
She came busting in and wondered what was happening,
I told her to call 9-1-1 but she didn’t know what I was saying,
Nieve-uno-uno, Nieve-uno-uno!
That she understood,
the ambulance came soon after but I was too heavy to lift onto the stretcher,
You’re a big boy. You gotta get on this stretcher yourself.
The woman told me but I just struggled to say I was seizing,
I brought myself back to the present but it was easier to stay in the past,
No one loved me anymore in the present,
A staff handed everyone an itinerary for the day:
“9-10am: group therapy
10:11am: relaxation group
11:12noon: recreational activities
12-12:30pm: Lunch
12:30-2pm: staff transition ALL PATIENTS MUST STAY IN THEIR ROOMS…”
To this day I’m against group therapy cus I prefer one-to-one,
The other patients don’t need to know my business,
For what? So they can use it against me somehow?
The two hour window from noon to two was the only thing I looked forward to now,
Relaxation group introduced guided meditation,
But I wasn’t ready for that quite yet,
My thoughts were racing and I was worrying about where I was going to live,
Perhaps it would be easier to go in and out of psych wards for the remainder of my life,
I eventually met my assigned therapist and I told her everything,
I didn’t care about being vulnerable anymore,
She seemed like a reliable confidant,
But I was wrong,
Eventually during the second week I was there she gave up on me,
She said I frustrated her and therapy would never work for me,
Depression turned to anger,
Why the fuck did you waste my time then?!
I yelled at the top of my lungs,
After that I felt something inside me die forever,
All my sadness morphed into rage,
I began to flip out and get restrained everyday until one day I got visitors,
My current therapist I still have as I’m typing this post and the head of a transitional home met with me,
I agreed to become a part of DMHAS and to live at the transition home for I didn’t have any other choice,
A pleasant note from a roommate I met there is still in my possession:
“I’m so glad we’re friends. Everyone here is on their own journey. I find it easier to make friends in the system. Do you agree?”
Yes. I definitely agree.

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Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading ๐Ÿ™‚