An Interlude

From the outside looking in, most people think I’m crazy. From my point of view, living within the craziness, it merely feels like I’m being chastised for being honest within a world of liars.

After 25 years, I still don’t know what it means to be human. Unless the existential dread that I garner every day is the embodiment of humanity. But at this point in my life, I try not to be negative. I try not to be consumed in the darkness of my past. I tell myself that I’ve reached the other side of the tunnel and being humble is proof of that.

Jane The Virgin S5E1 Monologue

I have binge-watched every episode of Jane the Virgin. I am up-to-date as of right now on season 5 episode 1 that aired yesterday. There was a 7 1/2 minute monologue that Jane did expressing how she’s trying to cope with Michael’s return. It destroyed me. I broke down seeing her like that. That’s how I get when I’m really upset. She exuded symptoms of mania, and Gina Rodriguez should get an Emmy just for this scene alone. It expressed exactly how she felt about Michael returning from the dead. If you’ve seen every episode like I have and then watched this scene, you’ll understand, with context, the importance and the raw emotion emanating from this monologue. I’m going to miss Jane the Virgin. This is the last season. And it’s starting off at a really great note.

(I have no rights to this footage)

Open Your Mind

I close my eyes to feel everything

How long has it been since you exiled me into a land of desolation?
How many times did you repress your memories of me into submission?
How often did you reassure me that I could be myself
As long as I had achieved your quintessential expectations?

I don’t need you to respect me
‘Cus I respect me,
Nor do I need you to love me
‘Cus I love me,
But I want you to know
That you can get to know me,

If you would just open your mind

Breath of Death

Entombed within the roots of the mother

Reaching for a star feeling smothered

She provides all the nutrients you need

But you choose not to breathe

For every breath is paradise

You crave an early demise

Succumb to the entrenched

In her tears you will be drenched

Pools of salted crimes

By men throughout time

Man can’t avoid being pulled into the earth

Only time keeps you from the demiurge

You do nothing but wait for termination

Reaching for a constellation

So desperate to abscond the truth

This miasma will be the death of you too

Greater Than The Sum Of Their Parts

My mother held the Qur’an,

Condemning me to hell,

My father wore saffron,

Nowhere to be found,

Religious zealot,

With such a closed mind,

Criminal derelict,

Lacks the holy and divine,

Rebuke social deviance,

Perhaps conformity is wrong,

Mens rea to actus reus,

Behind bars for so long,

A hijab I do not wear,

Nor do I commit torts,

I am greater,

Than the sum of their parts

The Language of Fear

There are so many endless possibilities, so much so that it feels pointless to pursue any path in life at all.

I garner a plethora of talents and yet I blame others for these talents not being recognized outside of my own spectrum of reality.

And I blame others, as well, for my inadequacies and for refusing to escape from my comfort zone by any means necessary.

What is there to do when you’re so used to following the same old script day-in-and-day-out all your life?

The same habits,

the same addictions,

the same mannerisms,

the same routine,

over and over again…

I am to blame for this misfortune but I’m not going to leave out my childhood either.

It seems to me like we all live this cruel existence consisting of emotional suffering in a constant recollection of one’s past.

It’s like we’re in a play where we just live in chronic turmoil while God observes from the sidelines.

Mankind seems to be a mere source of amusement for this higher being that we all perceive differently.

Within the darkness of doubt, I can hear Him whisper softly in the language of fear:

“Fallen victim to your crime

You used to pray for space

Drown in Me one more time

And mend your wicked ways”

Unscripted I

They say ignorance is bliss,

And yet,

It is this lack of knowledge that is preventing me from fully living my life,

If it’s not one thing,

It’s the next,

Isn’t it?

That’s life,

Right?

I lie here on the ground as I peer ahead,

Not too far away,

Daunting tasks that leave me overwhelmed and drained,

And unable to even indulge in my own passions and splendor,

It just seems…

It just seems like there’s so much hate in this world,

So much depression,

So much pain,

So much pain –

in its many forms,

And how can something so dreadful stem from something that’s supposed to be so beautiful,

Perhaps that’s why Poseidon said that Eros is the most feared being in mankind,

This arrow struck me,

It’s still inside me,

This arrow leaves me immobile…

Leaves me paralyzed on this ground,

Got me right in my spine,

Unable to move…

Forward,

Unable to move at all,

And whatever progress I seem to make is nothing…

Everyone is busy doing something…

Everyone is busy…

Everyone is busy,

Too busy for me,

And all I can do is lay here,

Taking a short break from…

This overwhelming,

Daunting,

Long list of tasks I must endure,

Who else will hurt me?

What else will hurt me?

I don’t know what to do,

Just moments ago,

I felt as if I was in that moment,

I felt my heart ripped to shreds,

My mind in desperate search for memories,

To answer any fallible questions I can come up with,

Any at all,

And what is there to do,

Huh?

You pay bills,

Go to work,

Go to school for a career,

This loneliness is baffling,

I claim loneliness isn’t real,

But it seems to be the only thing that is,

It seems all I do is wait,

Waiting for something or someone or a miracle,

Perhaps?

My God,

I want to believe in God,

I want so desperately to believe in God,

I am so sorry for ever doubting you,

But nothing can save me now,

No one can save me now,

But I love it when they try,

Oh I love it so…

Because that period doesn’t last forever,

Eventually they give up,

They walk away because my misery reminds them of their own miseries that they claim they have conquered but have just repressed,

I see myself in everyone I come across,

They probably see me in themselves as well,

Because what are we but reflections of something far greater,

We experience love and heartbreak,

And abandonment,

And abuse,

And pain,

And grief,

Sadness,

Loneliness,

Despair,

Loss,

Contention in dissonance,

Retribution through revenge,

We are such fallible beings,

Aren’t we?

Such beautiful,

Fallible beings…

 

Shipwrecked

This chair is an island,

And I can’t touch the floor,

I thought I was done with Hell and,

Now I come crawling back for more,

 

You cause such damage,

A beautiful monstrosity drenched in gore,

How do you manage,

To make me want nothing more,

 

I’m so tired of myself,

This rope necklace looks better on me now than ever before,

The best liquor is on top shelf,

And I can’t touch the floor

Maybe

Maybe things would have been better

If I didn’t waste any time on him

Maybe I wouldn’t be the obsessor

And the light would be less dim

Maybe I’ll stare into your eyes

And the moment would be proclaimed indelible

Maybe our souls will synchronize

And happiness would be probable

You wouldn’t have to speak

Just please keep me company

I’d give you more than just a peek

And more than mere sodomy

Maybe someday there won’t be anymore maybe’s

Not even a little bit

As we invade each other’s boundaries

But I haven’t met you yet

Psychobabble 

We could die at any time.

Why do we care where we go from here?!

Renege the promise of the American dream 

For it’s all just mental conditioning.

Life is a game played by everyone, 

And losing is the prize.

We can be immortals,

But not for long.

No!

Don’t leave just yet!

This is exactly why I brought you here!