Hello to my inconsistent fallen angels. I’m so sorry that I haven’t been blogging nearly as much as I used to. I have been in a rut for the longest. I have major depression and bipolar disorders. I’m sick of people saying that they’re just labels because if they were so, then they wouldn’t exist to begin with. I have serious issues and I’m not ashamed to admit it. I have nothing left to lose and I don’t feel like the world owes me anything. It is what it is. I’m refusing to take my meds. I’m a grown ass man so I can do that. No medication in the world can cure a broken heart or loneliness. I have to be patient and go through the motions. I have to resist this urge to quit everything in my life, such as college or this blog. I already quit my job and the GSA at my college so my resistance isn’t perfect but I have more important obligations I refuse to give up on. I found friends in the most unlikely places and I’m more blessed than I give myself credit for. However, I’m not afraid of death nor am I afraid of man. I’m only afraid of the things I can’t see. It’s those things that gives my life meaning and purpose. Things that require faith in order to establish within our own realities. Well I hope you understood my psychobabble. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.
I used to think if I could choose any superpower I wanted, it would be telekinesis. But after reading this post, I decided to think outside the box. So now my favorite superpower would be to be able to travel from the material world to the spirit realm anytime I wanted. Not just through meditation, but my physical form too. Astral Traveling. Not Astral Projection because that would leave my physical vessel vulnerable in the material world. Anyway, check out deceasedrhymer’s post! Enjoy!
I was too afraid to speak up at your memorial so I wrote this for you:
I didn’t know you that well, Sara, but everyone’s stories helped me piece together an idea of who you were. So many people care about you. You were always out there meeting new people who automatically became friends with you. You taught me that being dark isn’t as powerful as being an angel. I wanna be just like you. Friendly. Loving. Positive. And everything else wonderful that made you who you were. I wish I got to know you better. I’m glad I got to find out as much as I could from the people’s lives you touched. I hate myself sometimes for joking about death and suicide. I’m sorry that my dark humor is the only thing keeping me from falling apart. I tend to overlook other people and assume that I’m the only one who hurts. I always wonder why not many people pay attention to me or why their faces never light up when I walk into a room. Now I understand it’s because I don’t put myself out there in the community like you did. You were amazing! You went to so many events to spread awareness and even spoke in front of politicians about mental health equality! You always smiled so I never thought you were going through so much that you would end your life the way you did. You once told me that you were fascinated with how I am. But now it’s easier to admit that I’m fascinated with how you were too. I can never be nearly as caring and kind to people like you used to be. I have been hurt by others so many times that I tend to put my earbuds on just to have an excuse not to hear them. I drown the world out with music. Now, I feel like all the emotions I have repressed for so long are spilling out like a tsunami. It’s unbearable. Why did you die and not me? I know if I continue to remain the same, I will continue to miss opportunities to know other aspiring people like you. I doubt my memorial service will be nearly as populated as yours were when I die someday. So one of my new goals in life is to positively affect so many lives that people will care enough to love me the way they loved you. You will be missed and it was a pleasure meeting you, my dear.
Sara was even on TV making a difference in this world for the better.
(From left to right: me, Lyne, Sara, and Caspian) At last year’s Toivo’s ProHealing Festival
I want to hold onto the distraught woman who gave birth to a miniature cadaver
While she tries to convince herself it was a figment of her imagination
For I know denial makes it easier to bare
So make your pain my own
I want to hold onto the stoic man who broke my heart then left to find something else to do
While he tries to overcome his insecurities without putting down his walls
For I know it’s impossible to have my cake and eat it too
So make your pain my own
I want to hold onto the vengeful woman who never turns the page of stories that has long since been burned
While she tries to live with the awful things she has done
For I know forgiveness is a hard thing to learn
So make your pain my own
I want to hold onto the naive man who believes it’s okay to force himself to belong with a hateful family
While he witnesses his hopes and dreams crumble to the floor
For I know it may not be lonely to stay and pretend they love me
So make your pain my own
I want to hold onto the guilty man who gave into lust and lost everything he once cared about
While he comes into terms with the consequences of his actions
For I know the past cannot be revised by doubt
So make your pain my own
I want to hold onto the past that’s submerged in my tears
While it hopelessly tries to learn how to breathe without air
For I know nothing lasts forever as happiness fades through the years
So make your pain my own
Hello to my cultural fallen angels! From this day on, I am polyamorous! At a sociological standpoint, monogamy is merely a custom in American culture. In a lot of places around the world, polygamy is quite common. Men having multiple wives… And it’s not unheard of for a woman to have multiple husbands too. I have so much love to give and I’m tired of being confined to how our society wants me to endure heartbreak after heartbreak by placing high expectations on monogamous relationships. To expect someone to remain faithful and drawn to one person for a lifetime is ridiculous. I have feelings for multiple people. I can love and care for them equally. If it’s okay with all parties, mutual… consensual… then what harm can come from more love? No high expectations or unrealistic vows should keep people from loving each other. Why can’t I love a man and his husband too? I can love them the same. Why not? Maybe they’ll both love me too. Maybe not, but why feel rejected? Emotions are chemical. Love is a chemical. I used to be against polygamy but then I learned about it through studying sociology and developing feelings for a man currently in a polyamorous marriage who explained to me how society shaped our mentality since birth to believe that everyone should be monogamous. Like I have stated in To Each His Own, black people were once considered 3/5 of a person and gay people were gay bashed left and right. Now there’s Black Lives Matter and gay marriage is legalized now. What stops anything from being countercultural to being the norm? This is a new age! A technological, opportunistic, and open-minded age! At this beautiful end, I wish you all a wonderful day! Over and out.
For the first time since heartbreak disturbed my tranquil fantasy,
Farewells from an Eleutheromanian dream doesn’t surprise me anymore.
I cease friendly fire through a sleepy alertness.
As your charm descends to cataclysmic proportions.
Darkness is handsome if I can’t see you
And your rejection is His redirection.
Not even all the love in the world I could summon by methods of necromancy –
In sacrifice of lesser beings I call friends would make you understand.
This negativity… although enticing, only attracts its kindred.
You once taught me “it” is not called “fucking,”
“It” is called “making love.”
Too bad I can’t make you teach me to survive these sleepless nights.
Forcefully dragged by my thoughts alone rather than letting go,
I carve a smile into my face to embrace this alluring disgrace.
Completely disregard what I said in Monday, Tuesday, busy days! Wednesday, Thursday, busy days! I had a horrible day yesterday! I ran into my ex-fiance on the bus heading to work. I was on my phone playing with my apps when he walked on the bus and stood a few feet away. I felt like someone stabbed me in the chest. He glanced at me and said to himself, “oh shit!” and pretended he didn’t notice me as he sat near the front of the bus. Mind you, I saw this in my peripheral vision so he didn’t know I noticed him. So I put my phone away back into its holster and I just stared at the back of his shaved, oblong head. The bus had been packed until half the occupants got off on the same stop. My ex got up to change seats when he finally noticed I was staring at him. He tried to be nonchalant with a nod accompanied by a tiny grin. But he clearly didn’t want to talk to me. There was an empty seat nearby him and I wasn’t going to miss this opportunity. I hadn’t seen him in over a year prior so who knows when I was ever going to run into him again. I sat beside him and said: “Hey! How are you?”
He said, “Good.”
Me: “Me too.”
Him: “So I didn’t know you go by this side of town.”
Me: “Yeah, I work around here now. At Toivo.”
Him: “That’s only a few blocks away…”
Me: “So you still live on Park Street?”
Him: “I never lived there before.”
Me: “Oh… where do you live now?”
Him: “Maple Street -”
Then awkward silence consumed the following 30 seconds.
Me: “I wanted to thank you.”
Him: “For what?”
Me: “For everything.”
He smiled. I stroked a Narcissist’s ego, apparently.
My bus stop was coming up.
He began to drone on and on about how he’s trying to renew his license and to get a car.
I tuned him out at this point. He was just gonna talk about himself. I’m also trying to get my driver’s license and a car but I wasn’t gonna say much more.
I had nothing to prove to him and I no longer expected anything from him.
When my bus stop finally came, I shook his hand and told him to have a great day before I departed.
Once I arrived at my job, I broke down but luckily my co-workers are some of my best friends and they supported me. I talked it out. They assured me I handled it very well and that I’m a strong, resilient person. We shared anecdotes and then we resumed our work. Surprisingly, I felt a lot better afterward. I was able to do everything I had to do yesterday. I even slept a full eight hours when I got home. Maybe that was the closure I needed. Maybe I’m finally over him.
As Day 15 of Blogging101, I have declared every Wednesday from now on to be Check-In Wednesday. It’s a regular weekly feature on my blog. Enjoy!
Hello to my time-consumed fallen angels! It’s been a little while since my last post. Sorry about that. I know some of my fellow bloggers have become my regulars and I am truly grateful for their ongoing interest within my aegis loft. Anyway, my third semester at my college started last week so I have been busy a lot more lately. Full-time student, part-time worker looking for a better job. Love life is still a mess. However, I have a date next week with this guy I liked since I met him in the beginning of last semester. He recently got a boyfriend but I won a date with him fair and square. You see, because of my charming self, I challenged him to a Pokemon battle. We’re both into Pokemon and I thought that if I stayed within common interests, I’ll be able to get his attention. I beat him without cheating or anything. Despite him losing, he looked so happy. He has doubts about his boyfriend and he admitted he likes me too. So my love life may be getting better after all. Overall, I’m finally moving forward. I’m working on myself. School. Work. Dates. Church. Gym. Friends. Life. I love being busy. I love this human experience I am embarking on. I’m not afraid of death. I wouldn’t mind dying. But now I can wait for my last breath. I’m learning not to be afraid of living anymore. So get out there in the world and make something of yourself! We all have something to offer! Have a wonderful day! Over and out.
Hello to my embarrassed fallen angels! Lisa gave me a great idea to write a post about an embarrassing moment in my past in order to get over it. That moment won’t have a hold on me anymore if I talk it out and put it out in the open. Have you ever thought of a time long ago when you were so embarrassed that you think about it to this day even though most likely the other people who were there at the incident probably forgot about it by now? For day nine of Blogging101, I will show that I was inspired by my fellow blogger to write this post.
WARNING! MY ANECDOTE IS VERY INAPPROPRIATE! THE CLASSIC STORY ABOUT “A TEENAGE BOY GETTING CAUGHT DOING SOMETHING HE SHOULD NEVER GET CAUGHT DOING.” HERE WE GO:
I was 17 years old when I lived at my mother’s house. She had company over at the time. The adults were talking and laughing in the living room and kitchen and I agreed to allow the children to hang out in my bedroom. Some guy I dated around that time called my cell phone. I was talking to him on the phone in the hallway. The conversation got very hot so I managed to lock myself in the bathroom and we had phone sex. For some reason, I forgot to wash my hands let alone look in the mirror afterward. I walked out with a sigh of relief. Suddenly, everyone looked at me and started smiling and trying hard not to laugh. My older sister came up to me and wiped something off my face with her bare hand. She didn’t know what it was because she was a lesbian and a virgin, at that. It was dead quiet after that. She stepped into the kitchen to wash it off her hands. Everyone else knew what it was but my sister. I was so embarrassed that I just walked out as I felt their eyes glued to my back. I didn’t come back until I knew that everyone would be gone by then.
Well, there it is. I don’t really have to explain what happened using specific words, unless you’re a lesbian virgin too. Lol. What a relief! A different kind of relief…