I had once loved with a love that was more than love. It was an interlude cherished all the more for its brevity. He succumbed to a severe cocaine addiction. I couldn’t save him no matter how hard I tried. It’s been three years since I had to walk away from him. It was the hardest thing I ever did. I sometimes wonder if I should’ve stayed and fell down the rabbit hole with him. The engagement rings I bought for us will forever be locked in a safe that will never see the light of day again. I had planned our entire future together. In retrospect, I realized there’s no point in planning the future as if we have any control over it at all. I know it’s cliche to say live life every day as if it’s your last, as one should. I’m just going with the flow at this point. I’m just trying to make sense of the chaos, that is, life itself. I’m trying to find a sense of purpose somehow while floating around aimlessly searching for a refuge from the storm raging within my shattered heart. Over the years, it seems that I have acquired a rather jaded, pessimistic perception of the world. I’m trying to be more positive. However, I find it to be very easy to acknowledge the darkness shrouding everything I see, effortless even, as if it’s some kind of default emotion that I can always fall back on. Despite all the pain that this magnificent world had introduced me to, I will continue to be gentle and kind against all odds because life wasn’t designed to harbor any permanent solutions. I can try to use my strengths to improve upon this world as best I can. On the other hand, I am forced to play by the rules of this human life like a pawn, earning money and spending it, the economy as mankind itself designed it to be. Therefore, there’s never anyone to blame in particular. Apart from the philosophical endeavors that I can not seem to abscond from, it would be easier to generalize and simply state that nothing fucking matters, but that can’t be true, right? I refuse to believe that. There must be a reason we all endure such indelible pain. Life is suffering. I just want someone to suffer with. It’s why we construct bonds with other humans. To lessen the blow of the suffering. Pain is what brings us together. If it wasn’t for pain, there would be no need to be compassionate towards one another. Charities wouldn’t need to exist. State benefits, food stamps, free health care… they exist because pain exists. Light counteracts the darkness. Good stems from evil. The bonds we create with one another are to relate to each other’s pain. It’s what makes life worth living. I seek refuge in those whose pain I can relate to the most. Next time… if there ever is a next time… I won’t walk away. I would stay in the darkness with him. I would tell him, “This world is beautiful because you exist. There is nothing wrong with you. You deserve to be yourself… You deserve to be alive! I wanted to die more times than I could count, but here I am. SO, WHERE ARE YOU?!” I would use his pain to distract myself from my own pain. I would hope he would do the same. Only then, perhaps, I can finally experience the healing power of love.