Anthology II

You are not a kid anymore. You have grown into an amazing young man. With strength and integrity and a fierce sense of right and wrong. You have a family who will take you back no matter what, and they’re all in your life right now. Any mistake you make, any crazy thing you might do, they will love you unconditionally. That’s how you know what your family is. They love beyond reason.

“Enough is Enough!”

There’s gonna be a time in your life (I sense that it’s gonna happen very soon) when you’re gonna put your foot down and say “enough is enough!” At this point, I would completely understand if you just get in your car and just drive away and never look back. I love you so much and seeing you suffer like this is not a laughing matter. I know humor is a way for you to deal with it, but it’s not healthy. Your feelings are valid. This is why I forgave dad years ago, because your well-being is so important and if you have to be a deadbeat dad to be free, then so be it. Life is too short for this shit. That bitch has you sleeping on the fucking floor, for God’s sake! I am so worried about you. You are strong, you are wise, you are smart, you are important. Get out of there! There must be resources out there to help you, take out a loan, find a place far away… something! Stop letting that ugly, evil, ass bitch ruin your life! Fuck child support! The same way we forgave dad, your daughter will forgive you too one day.

To The Family

Abuelo is in a much better place than we’ll ever know.
Heaven is infinitely times better than where we are now.
So don’t be sad, everyone.

Be happy that he found peace.
And lived a full life with our huge family who loves him limitlessly.
His soul escaped the confinement of his human vessel to reach unfathomable heights.

Anything in life can be perceived negatively or positively.
Let yourself grieve and take that journey from the darkness of loss to the light of acceptance.
I am here for you all.

I try to make you all laugh in the expense of my atonement.
I am truly honored to be your jester if it will make you feel better even just for a moment.
I love you all more than you’ll ever know.

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Feel free to check my latest book, a book of poetry called Trials and Tribulations! http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B018ZR0IVA/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1460319936&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=trials+and+tribulations+sufian

Mommy

Daddy

Oh, mother! It’s been four years since I heard your melodic voice, seen your beautiful face, smelled your fragrant perfume, tasted your homemade cooking, and felt your broken heart that now mirrors my own. For so long, it was easier to joke around and hate you for disowning me, but somewhere along the way, I found the tear-stained strength to be gentle and kind towards your antique memory. I don’t know where you are. I don’t know if thoughts of me ever cross your mind. Where are you?! I need you! Oh, mother! I’m sorry! I forgive you! It feels like you passed away! I don’t think you love me anymore! I want to caress your mascara cheek and wipe away all your pain, all your hatred that keeps you from turning the page of a fairy tale that never reached its tranquil end. Please be happy! But I can’t turn the page for you. There’s too much serenity in my own story. I can feel the soil slipping from my fingers as the sadness takes over me and waters yet another loving, traumatic memory. I stare six feet below me into the vast unknown in hopes that something…. anything will grow between us again.

Make Your Pain My Own

I want to hold onto the distraught woman who gave birth to a miniature cadaver
While she tries to convince herself it was a figment of her imagination
For I know denial makes it easier to bare
So make your pain my own

I want to hold onto the stoic man who broke my heart then left to find something else to do
While he tries to overcome his insecurities without putting down his walls
For I know it’s impossible to have my cake and eat it too
So make your pain my own

I want to hold onto the vengeful woman who never turns the page of stories that has long since been burned
While she tries to live with the awful things she has done
For I know forgiveness is a hard thing to learn
So make your pain my own

I want to hold onto the naive man who believes it’s okay to force himself to belong with a hateful family
While he witnesses his hopes and dreams crumble to the floor
For I know it may not be lonely to stay and pretend they love me
So make your pain my own

I want to hold onto the guilty man who gave into lust and lost everything he once cared about
While he comes into terms with the consequences of his actions
For I know the past cannot be revised by doubt
So make your pain my own

I want to hold onto the past that’s submerged in my tears
While it hopelessly tries to learn how to breathe without air
For I know nothing lasts forever as happiness fades through the years
So make your pain my own

Feel free to like and comment on this post and I will do the same for you. Also, please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B012BSPFCQ/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1452971409&sr=1-1&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70&keywords=The+Pandemonium+Chronicles

Laughing At Myself

Hello to my embarrassed fallen angels! Lisa gave me a great idea to write a post about an embarrassing moment in my past in order to get over it. That moment won’t have a hold on me anymore if I talk it out and put it out in the open. Have you ever thought of a time long ago when you were so embarrassed that you think about it to this day even though most likely the other people who were there at the incident probably forgot about it by now? For day nine of Blogging101, I will show that I was inspired by my fellow blogger to write this post.

WARNING! MY ANECDOTE IS VERY INAPPROPRIATE! THE CLASSIC STORY ABOUT “A TEENAGE BOY GETTING CAUGHT DOING SOMETHING HE SHOULD NEVER GET CAUGHT DOING.” HERE WE GO:

I was 17 years old when I lived at my mother’s house. She had company over at the time. The adults were talking and laughing in the living room and kitchen and I agreed to allow the children to hang out in my bedroom. Some guy I dated around that time called my cell phone. I was talking to him on the phone in the hallway. The conversation got very hot so I managed to lock myself in the bathroom and we had phone sex. For some reason, I forgot to wash my hands let alone look in the mirror afterward. I walked out with a sigh of relief. Suddenly, everyone looked at me and started smiling and trying hard not to laugh. My older sister came up to me and wiped something off my face with her bare hand. She didn’t know what it was because she was a lesbian and a virgin, at that. It was dead quiet after that. She stepped into the kitchen to wash it off her hands. Everyone else knew what it was but my sister. I was so embarrassed that I just walked out as I felt their eyes glued to my back. I didn’t come back until I knew that everyone would be gone by then.

Well, there it is. I don’t really have to explain what happened using specific words, unless you’re a lesbian virgin too. Lol. What a relief! A different kind of relief…

Well, have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to like and comment on this post and I will do the same for you. Also, please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B012BSPFCQ/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1452971409&sr=1-1&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70&keywords=The+Pandemonium+Chronicles

To Each His Own

To each his own. At one point in American History, black people were considered 3/5 of a person, women were nothing without a man, and gay marriage wasn’t legal until recently. So what stops anything from becoming the norm? Nudists or polyanimous marriages or even a utopian society can become the norm someday. Whether we’re alive to witness it happen or not is completely irrelevant. I’m miserable, but who honestly gives a fuck?

Hello to my unique fallen angels! I am so miserable. For a long time, I thought my misery stemmed from my ex or my past family drama. However, I forgave all of them a while ago. I’m indifferent towards them. I don’t even care enough to hate them or hold grudges against them. I get it. I don’t really have any family left. My ex moved on from me. It’s fine, really. This misery I feel is something totally different. You see, I’m a very simple man. As long as I have a roof over my head, food, clothes, and an ambience of safety, I’m good. I don’t care about name brands or what people think about me. Everyone is dealing with their own internal struggles. I go to college, work, the gym, and church but I don’t feel like anything I do amounts to anything truly important. I don’t feel inadequate though. My IQ is in the 140s so that’s not bad at all. I’m starting to think maybe life is too easy. That the “luxurious things in life” are just extra. As long as I can pay my bills and have some money left over to try to cheer myself up, I’m okay. I’m so bored with my life. I have been putting myself out there more and maintaining friendships yet it’s only a fleeting happiness that merely comes and goes without my consent. I am so miserable that I’m becoming physically sick.

I tend to compare myself to Ernest Hemingway a lot. A very intelligent man who was so intelligent that he couldn’t find the means to feel understood and couldn’t connect with other people. He ending up dying by his own volition just like so many other brilliant minds. They say humans are social creatures. Human nature doesn’t exist. There are two sides of me constantly upset with one another. One is like “what’s the point of interacting with other people outside the realm of vested interest?” While the other half is like “people bring out the best in me so why don’t I surround myself with them as much as possible?” I tend to see it so black and white.

I actually got offered to do drag again for this Thursday coming up but I’m not as excited as when I started doing drag. Perhaps the feeling will come back when the moment comes and goes.

I don’t know. I don’t understand how I can make people care about me. I don’t get how anyone can have time for anyone else. We’re always working or busy doing something or sleeping so how does one form a meaningful connection with another person? Do I even care? I must if I’m asking. Life is dull and lonely. It may just be my personal experiences but I notice that no matter if someone has a lot of money or not, or if someone has a lot of friends or not, or even if someone is famous or not, everyone is suffering one way or another. There’s no need for jealousy. Maybe this human life is a mere preliminary of something far more greater. Heaven and Hell? Something else? I don’t know… who the hell does?

I live my life utilizing superlatives and generalizations to indulge in my self-loathing. I find myself being void of all emotion – the good and the bad. I don’t care enough to hate anyone and love is too hard to come by. I do honestly believe that I felt happiest when I was with my ex-fiance. I hope he’s okay. I hope my mom’s okay. Despite everything, I’m indifferent. It’s hard to explain the feeling I’m trying to convey right now in this post.

No two people can ever have the same human experience. Our five senses of exceptionally unique. I believe that is why everyone has a different favorite food or color or kind of music (etc.). Each person garners a completely unique human experience. So what does it matter if I try to express my feelings for anything? We only blog to vent or to promote while only interacting with other blogs to better our own blogs. Hedonism and selfishness at its finest. No one likes to admit that they primarily do things for their own vested interest.

Loneliness is a state of mind, not of matter. No matter how many other people I try to be around or parties I attend, it’s all the same. This chronic loneliness is becoming a medical condition. I don’t care. Sometimes I think to myself that if I was diagnosed with cancer today, I would be relieved. I don’t fear death. I have tried to kill myself over a dozen times in my life but obviously I’m not good at it. So I gave up on giving up. I’ll just go through the motions, the ebb and flow of life. Whatever happens happens. I don’t care.

Perhaps God doesn’t exist after all. What a horrible thing to say considering that I got baptized just a few months ago. I know things can always get worse regardless.

I don’t get why so many people judge each other on their sexual orientation or religion or race. Who gives a fuck?

Who says I have to be diagnosed with major depression? A doctor that never been through it themselves? What if I’m the messiah or if I’ll be the first person to answer life’s questions? Or what if I’m just another person living in this world until Death comes to take me somewhere better and new?

Whatever anything ever is, simply is. So thanks for lasting this long and have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Truth Serum

When I was 6,

I wished I was a newborn,

When all I worried about was eating, sleeping,

And excreting waste,

 

When I was 10,

I wished I was 6,

When all I was afraid of was going to grade school for the first time

And missing my mom until I returned home,

 

When I was 14,

I wished I was 10,

When all I thought about were the terrifying times I spent alone with my stepdad

And missing my mom until she returned home,

 

When I was 18,

I wished I was 14,

When all I reminisced about was how I secretly enjoyed being abused like a masochist

And missing the only sexual escapade I had throughout my school years,

 

When I was 21,

I wished I was 18,

When I was forced to be exiled because my mom thought my dad’s replacement made me gay

And hoping there was more to life than this,

 

When I am 30,

I will wish I was 21,

When all I can recall will be how my ex-fiance severely broke my heart

And how he wonderfully psychologically tormented me,

 

When I am 39,

I will wish I was 30,

When I’ll realize that I am the same age as when my first love left in peace

And left me in pieces,

 

When I am 50,

I will wish I was 39,

When I can remember fondly how agile and resilient I once was

And wondering how I didn’t kill myself a lot sooner

 

When I am 69,

I will not look back anymore,

For dementia will consume my mind’s occupancy leaving behind the fact that my age will be one of my favorite sexual positions

And in total relief that I will die any day now

 

 

 

 

*Make sure to take advantage of the eBook sale going on now! From now* until December 26th at 8:00PM, you can buy The Pandemonium Chronicles for only $0.99! (usually $2.99)

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This sale is to celebrate the release of my new book, Trials and Tribulations!

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Let’s Be Negative Again: Nothing To Lose

Hello to my fallen angels! I love The Hunger Games series! Johanna Mason reminds me a lot of myself. Cute but crazy. My favorite quote by her from The Hunger Games: Catching Fire=

Katniss, Peeta, Finnick, and Beetee stare bewildered at Johanna for flipping out in the arena where President Snow can see.

Johanna: spoken softly “What? He can’t hurt me. There’s no one left that I love.

This quote really spoke to me. I lost my family, the one man I truly loved, and I grew apart from all my friends. There’s no one else in this world that I love. I have nothing to lose. I’m a force to be reckoned with. I’ve been homeless before and I’ll endure it again if i ever have to once more. I’ve been abused psychologically, physically, spiritually, verbally, sexually, and emotionally. I’m well aware that things in my life can ALWAYS get worse. There’s an animalistic side of me that currently lies dormant within myself but I can shake it awake at any given time. I don’t fear death because I have been suicidal the majority of my life. I can’t wait to meet the Grim Reaper but I guess it’s not my time to go yet. Apparently, God wants me to suffer a bit more before I perish. This is the worst time for me. Any other time of the year, I could easily repress my agony and use coping skills to distract myself from it. However, the holiday season constantly throws the concept of family and togetherness into my fucking face. Some family members I hardly know came across my venting on Facebook and decided to reach out to me for a pity party tomorrow. Oh boy! I can just picture myself sitting uncomfortably and awkwardly as everyone else socializes and embraces each other. Then an attractive man will come up to me feigning interest in my subtle existence until I’ll realize he’s my cousin. At this point, I’ll fuck one of my sexy cousins. This loneliness got me contemplating many things including incest. Lol. It’s not like he’ll knock me up with a retarded baby. Whatever. Fuck everything and fuck everyone too! You all can shove your turkeys and presents up your asses! Lmao. Happy Holidays, my fallen angels! Over and out. 🙂

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

An Angel’s Awakening (A-CUBED)

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Good morning to my blessed fallen angels! I finally got baptized today! It’s been long-awaited. (Aww! Look at me in my church clothes as opposed to my gothic garb.) I’m officially an Episcopalian now! I love my church family! I love God! People can disappoint me, betray me, neglect me, abuse me, avoid me, judge me, use me, and hurt me but I’m so happy to give myself up to The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit. I never have to worry about God doing any of those things to me that people have done time and time again. It’s all trials and tribulations. It’s expected to go through hardship in life in one way or another. I am definitely not an exception to that biblical rule. I have no regrets, no held grudges, and no hatred towards anyone or anything. Everything I have been through (“The Sufie Saga”) led me to this moment. My mother told me I made her depressed and that she should’ve aborted me, but I forgive her. The only man I have ever loved (so far…) broke my heart in ways I never thought was humanly possible, but I forgive him too. I’m so emotionally resilient. I have been abused physically, mentally, sexually, emotionally, and even spiritually (by a psychic Narcissist). However, I still manage to get out of bed in the morning, smile, laugh (sometimes manically), and uphold my daily responsibilities. Three weeks from now, I’m starting acolyte training to someday become a priest. I’m also in college to be a therapist for people with mental health problems. And I garner spiritual abilities of my own. Just yesterday, I was contemplating killing myself, but it’s amazing how God can save me just when I feel like giving up. I am going to help and heal a lot of people! I’m gonna make this world a better place than when I found it! On the other hand, I will still don the name, The One-Eyed Angel because this darkness infested with depression and rage will always be a part of me. It has helped me survive through the worst of times and helped me appreciate with ultimate gratitude the best of times. All emotions are temporary, both good and bad. I know I’m not gonna feel this happiness consistently for the rest of my life, but I accept that simply because I must accept that. Although I don’t have any close friends or family members who went to my baptism today, I have acknowledged already that my life is a lonely one so no surprises that no one outside my church family came today. I’m okay though. There must be some valid reason God didn’t place too many people in my life. Some can handle society while some can’t. To each his own. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

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Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂